Written April 13, 2021
Track today... TUESDAY it is!
This week it’s a story, it’s mine, one of many, but perhaps it offers a slice of inspiration to who you are.
I’ll start with sharing my two favorite things in life.
1. Sleep under the stars, preferably directly under them, snuggled in a cozy sleeping bag. Last snuggle the outside air temp was 26°, loved it!
2. To sweat, profusely.
This morning was kind of a big day for this blondie, a test of sorts, here it is...
Three years ago, in January 2018, after a very typical 8 mile run to the beach with friends my right knee swelled up with immense pain. I wasn’t able to walk for a few days all that well. For the next 6 months I explored all sorts of help and as a last resort ended up having knee surgery in July 2018. I had 4 doctors tell me I would never run again. That was not a good week.
Those doctors used a picture to make their decision. From 31 years living with diabetes, being the advocate in my health and inspiring many to be theirs, I am aware how and why doctors make their conclusions. I gathered information as I always do and then I proceeded.
The 20 lb weight gain was a result of the choices I used to cope with the added stresses in my life before I had surgery. With the added weight, 8 weeks post-knee surgery and 9 months off running, there was nothing easy or comfortable about that first jog. My desire to fully sweat was immense. I decided I would run 2 miles, 1 mile out and 1 mile back from my front door. Watch charged, shoes tied, headphones in, I set out. My body felt so heavy, painfully heavy. Every part of me ached with each step I felt clumsy and uncoordinated. My breath was labored and part of me wanted to call it. In the pain my mind listed again and again all the reasonable reasons I should just walk the route, perhaps face to the sun to increase perspiration. I recall wondering if I had never run prior, would this effort be easier. It was difficult to compare where I was in that moment to where I was just a year prior, running 105 miles around Mont Blanc with a gaggle of besties. I knew I wasn’t going to achieve a soaked sweaty self that day, the one I loved, but perhaps some droplets rolling down my cheeks were possible. I kept what I desired as my focus. In some way the obstacles just weren’t visible as the goal was so clear. 1 mile out, turn at the Pacific and 1 mile home. I operated from inspiration not force. I didn’t feel I had to do this, I wanted to do this.
I thought I was on the path to recovery, even if slow, I was committed. As a health coach losing the weight was easy, I knew what shifts I had made to gain the weight and therefore I just shifted back to alignment with eating patterns. (side note- if you want to lose weight, contact me, it’s easy - you’ll get there) I built in elements of accountability and compassion and in 6 months my weight and physical body felt mostly re-aligned. I was running a couple days per week with limited mileage and trying to incorporate other regular active habits. My knee waxed and waned in it’s level of pain. My range of motion remained limited and my several weekly PT appointments continued to give reminders of just how much. Luckily, a few runs each week were more tolerable than walking. Walking asked for more range of motion. I adapted to the daily pain which really didn’t occur with just activity, laying in bed I felt it. Not running for a month or two I felt it. Doing child’s pose in yoga was extremely difficult, actually not possible is a better explanation. Last summer, I backpacked 5 miles into the Sierras to drop my son’s JMT food supply, ibuprofen was a good friend that weekend. My knee (and broken toe) was in so much pain I had to cut the trip short by a day. I chalked it up to a win, pretty much anytime in the Sierras gets this score.
I added to my to do list... foam roller, soft tissue release, self-massage, stretching, always more yoga. Most of it helped, minimally. I still laid in bed in discomfort and getting out of bed I felt resistance in it’s strength and flexibility.
I’d stand brushing my teeth each day focused on straightening out the right leg to match the left. I knew my hip disease as a child resulted in a pre-arthritic right hip. Everyday I sat in appreciation for each mile I was given and each mile to come.
I suck at consistency. Pretty much the only thing I do with regularity is jump in cold water on Fridays and that is just 18 months vested. As awesome as it sounds to say I had a to do list and intentions, guilt from not doing all of it more created a need to force and find motivation, such an old pattern.
Most won’t believe what made the final shift. Over the weekend, once the shift occurred, my knee pain left my body. A moment presented where child’s pose was possible and a simple quad stretch brought my right ankle to my right butt cheek. This hasn’t happened since 2017. Today I ran, pain-gone, 16 laps around a track, non stop, with speed, after a 3 mile warm up, with fluidity and strength of my youth.
I sit in appreciation and awe of my body’s ability to look emotional pain directly in the eyes and surrender.
Today I have more strength, flexibility and alignment (inside and out) in my body than I have had in decades and as instant as it appeared, I have journeyed rather authentically in my experiences to where I am. Those who know me well, know this.
The other day someone said to me they felt they had wasted a year of their life in a struggle they didn’t feel was necessary due to another.
There definitely was a time in my life I would have held the same perspective. Today I appreciate each moment of struggle, those who have entered into my experience, even if briefly, and the intimate information it brought to the surface, challenging to my core who I am - always asking me to stand up or shut up.
About 11 laps in I came up on a dear friend at the 100 meter mark. She commented on how strong I looked and how it didn’t appear I was straining. I felt incredibly strong and my pace wasn’t forced. No watch, running solo, I said, “thank you.”
Today, my track effort was evidence of my transformation internally and that is welcome.
In life, it feels more secure to have “proof” before we believe in something we want. We seek to see evidence before we feel it is possible. This desire for me was launched a long time ago and many many painful moments since. I have sat in this struggle with my knee for over three years. It slapped my identify in the face and I had to get real honest with myself about it. Clarity presented in the most non-obvious ways and certainty is rooted in places beyond my physical experience.
Perhaps today you ask yourself what you want, deeply. Are you waiting for “proof” to think it is possible? Are you waiting to see something present before you to believe? Is that working?
Perhaps you just let go of the resistance and allow it to unfold in your life as it already has in your desire of who you are. Perhaps.
#betweendiabetes #health #tuesdaytransformation #tracktuesday #inspiration #wellness #wellbeing #santabarba #diabetes #diabetesathelte #soexcited #lovewhereyoulife #sbrr #type1athlete #letit
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