Written February 7, 2021
HAPPY LOVE MONTH!
“There is a powerful tendency in long term relationships to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. Eroticism thrives on the unpredictable. Desire butts heads with habit and repetition.” Esther Perel, Mating In Captivity
If you aren’t familiar with Esther Perel’s work and you are in a long term committed relationship, I suggest you get familiar.
Male or female.
Straight or gay.
As a health coach, the majority of my middle-aged clients come to me with a desire to lose weight dressed up in all sorts different camouflage. Once we explore their deeper desires and areas fulfillment isn’t brimming what quickly gets illuminated is their complacency, settled boredom and/or dissatisfaction in their intimate life.
In her work, Esther describes the same risk of loss in love whether together weeks or decades. It’s the risk, the mystery, the uncertainty that ignites that initial excitement, the passion, the eroticism. Fear comes into play, the more attached we become, the more we have to lose. We begin to operate under illusions of certainty in our relationship (arrogant really) to feel more comfortable, more secure. We can thank COVID for getting each of us more familiar with illusions of certainty and the truths that were exposed when those curtains were pulled.
Esther states, “Eastern philosophers have long known that impermanence is the only constant.”
One week out from Valentine’s Day, if you desire a return of those butterflies and nonstop thoughts about your lover, I suggest getting familiar with her work. Her TED talk and her book, Mating In Captivity both are worth your time. (If you’ve dealt with infidelity in your relationships, her book, State of Affairs is excellent.)
Happy loving!
Comments